Poetry for an Escapologist doing handstands on a Police Car

Dancer 2


Delilah was a contortionist
And an accomplished escapologist
Who to annoy her Ex-boyfriend
Police Sergeant Jim McDonald Scar
Would do tricks upon the roof
Of his much beloved police car
Much to the amusement of a certain
Miss Salome Bridgewater White
As she was regularly arrested
For being a lady of the night
But she was reputedly or so it was said
A rather good friend
Of a local man of the church
The very reverered
John Samuel Arthur Spiller-Birch
So every morning she would be freed
Because she had seen the light of God
And claimed it was a dusky pink
Which Police Sergeant Jim McDonald Scar
Thought was very odd
But then each morning as he left
To go out on patrol
Delia would be doing handstands
On his roof of his car
And sticking pins in a voodoo doll
And dipping it in hot tar


And when ask why she was so bitter
She explained that at their wedding
He ran off leaving her standing in the aisle
As he said he had villains to catch
And it was going to take a while
Then he discovered
Delilah’s Uncle George
Was making fake money in his garden shed
So Police Sergeant Jim McDonald Scar
Went to see Delilah and said
I will not marry into the criminal classes
So our love affair is
That seems rather hard
And after all Uncle George makes very good fake money

Poetry for not having enough TIME

flower and Moth

It seems now that summers here
I have so many things to DO
Like feed the birds
Feed the cats
And stick antlers on them both with GLUE
And the grass grows faster
Than any man would like to SEE
So I have to get the lawn mower working
As well as trim several bits of TREE
Plus make a cardboard Trojan horse
Which I said I would do ages AGO
And hunt under rocks and stuff
Looking for newts and frogs
And other amphibians
To paint strange colours
For the local village summer SHOW
And who has not got a tortoise
Stuck on the garage ROOF
Or problems in their attic
From some demonic monster
With a cloven HOOF
Or a dripping TAP
Or aphids taking a little NAP
While sucking SAP
On the rose
Which was a gift from
Your favourite (scary) GRAN- NEEEEE
Because as we all know
When she comes to visit
It’s the first thing she wants to SEE.
And the greenhouse needs water
As the tomatoes start to WILT
And my working model
Of the Grand Union Canal
Is filling up with SILT
And I do need the odd cup of tea
And a bacon butty or maybe TWO
And the leopard has escaped again
From the local ZOO
And if it attacks Grannies rose
She will be in a terrible RAGE
So I will run off now for a bit
To help get it
Back in its


A chaps work is never done
Maybe a cup of tea first.

Right that’s THAT
The leopard has been caught
Using my gardening HAT
. . . . . .(yes if you wondering, it tried to attack my head)



And now I must finish my poetry
Because tonight I am off out to see
Friends and to have a Chicken DHANSAK
Which they will run off and buy
And then bring BACK

to me

Hang On what do you mean
The poetry is rubbish . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I don’t think you appreciate
How much I have to do
I still have to paint a
Zombie Gnomes wheelbarrow
Bright blue
I know what you think
But it is quite true
He is a friendly chap
And I have called him

OOOOoooo time for another cup of tea…

Poetry for a Vampire and a Mummy chasing a Zombie Cat

Zombie Penguin2

A Vampire and a Mummy
Chased a large black cute fluffy cat
They chased it up a lamp post
And past an Ex-London borough council flat
They chased it past the chip shop
And under a railway bridge
And into the recycling yard
Where it hid behind a fridge
They chased it into a cul-de-sac
Past a pound shop and a café
And into a posh restaurant
Where the cat knocked over a carafe
They chased it onto the artificial ski slope
Past a man singing songs and drinking Gin
And round and round a roundabout
Until they all got in a spin
They chased it into the cinema
Which was showing the movie
Catch 22
They chased it into a railway station
And then into the public Loo
But they soon all ran out again
Because there was a penguin
Doing things it should not do
Then they chased it past a statue
Of Queen Victoria holding a Stratoscope
Chasing the cat for hours and hours
Until they had almost given up all hope



But when they finally caught up with it
It seemed the cat just did not care
Because the cat was in fact
An android Zombie Cat
Which cut the Mummy clean in half


With its android Zombie Cat laser eye stare
Which as you might expect
The Vampire proclaimed was ever so slightly
Rotten and


And the cat smiled
And said it didn’t care


Typical cat